Sunday, 30 September 2012

So we went to the party and.....

it was ok, only because we sat with Niece's Boyfriend's (heretofore known as NB) family who are Normal.  
Laughed a lot with NB's mum who is great and has similar sense of humour as me (thank god). She knows a tiny bit of our story and knows A (niece) is struggling with the situation and who apparently talks to and treats her mum appallingly. She spends most of her time at NB's house - who ironically is just across the road from us).
There was a quiz to start (wtf) and I found I just couldn't look at Former SiL kissing new fiance.  He has a large family but it is well know that he will NOT be leaving his home or elderly parents (again, wtf).
Surreally, Former SiL's tiny* family (consisting of late mum's cousin, (known as Auntie B), husband (Uncle J) and their daughter (K) were there - the surreal part was that K and I were bridesmaids at my brother's wedding and I had the urge to say to the now grown up K (we were 10 and 18 in 1980) "do you think we'll be asked to be bridesmaids again?" (sick laughter)...
Former SiL and her new fiance was glad to see us and thanked us for coming and I ended up kissing hello and goodbye to a strange man I had never spoken to before.
On the way out from party room through pub found Nephew and briefly spoke to him, he said he was ok with it all but A was not (he is also A but that would just confuse you!)  The shock, the dreadful gut wrenching shock was that tho he seemed much more cheerful than the last time we spoke, his pupils were dilated and he felt 'wrong'.  I have no experience of drugs at all and was just aware of his eyes, as he asked if I had spoken to his dad, I had, but not about the engagement, don't know what to say or if I should, whatever I do will be wrong.

This week have been dealing with middle son's JSA cockup and will attend a meeting with him monday am to sort out problem (really looking forward to that - not), and MiL's health and care home needs (complicated and caused by local hospital being a shitehouse). 
Next week will be crap as brother will be phoning to talk about his recent (last Thurs) hospital procedure and overnight stay... jeez  - and have blood test (fasting/cholesterol yikes) and dentist for new partial denture (mmmm sexy)..... what larks!
I am so fuckin exhausted and really need some Boring/Routine/Normal just to catch my breath.

We left around the party around 10 because daughter was fed up, as was The FW who prefers to stand at the bar with the goms and not sit at a table with family.  Anyway we are home now and The FW is staying in cos he got cold! (everybody say aaaaahhh). 

N'night. x

PS on a lighter note we couldn't leave for the party until I had won a portable vintage typewriter on ebay!  There are some things you just can't word process and press print lol.
PPS would love to know when the Decree Absolute came through!?!

* she has a dad and half siblings but is not acknowledged by them - sad

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Mum you broke the kitchen....

I have decided the bring the microwave (that I realised is a combination/mini oven a couple of weeks ago after 13 years of ownership durrrr) into the kitchen from the 'siberia' of the utility room cupboard.  Well, now the kitchen has had to be completely re-organised to accommodate it and chaos has ensued.

Add to that the washing machine breaking, FW has tried to fix it, no go, so new one bought and in place, subsequent water leakage, bah.  Our utility room is 'off' the kitchen with no door but this is ok usually.

I also now do the washing up of non-dishwasher items in there as the hot water is almost 'instant'  for plumbing reasons rather than wasting loads down the drain or waste disposal to get a hot bowl of water.  (I wash up in super hot water 'cos that's how I like it).  The plus side is no items on the drainer looking horrid in the open plan kitchen and the down side is washing up in a dim room.

Aaaannyhoo, so the first part of the week was handwashing in the bath with the loan of BF's 30 yr old spinner (so sweet and brought back memories of mum), after three days gave up as new machine was on its way.  So have piles of ironing today rather than piles of crochet I need to do, bugger.

Have wasted spent 2 afternoons making bread (and finding best method of making bread in machine for mixing/kneading/first prove then out into mini microwave oven thing for second prove and superquick baking.  Some success, some fails that are now croutons.  We eat a loaf a day, so I need to find a routine and FW presented me with a ton of damsons that I spent all yesterday afternoon stewing for three small crumbles as only two people in house eat such things and an now have an amount of damson/sugar syrup in freezer as well cos wasn't letting anything go to waste!!)  What to do with the syrup? Answers on a postcard please (aka google!).

I desperately need to organise our massive american style fridge/freezer (bought in those heady days of house refurbishing and money earning) that has very little cubic capacity, effectively (I want to double batch cook for my lazy days). At the moment when I open the door stuff falls out, not helped by FW 'helpfully' buying stuff that doesn't bloody fit!) this leads to comedy moments like the bag of grated cheese (not fully sealed) tipping over and falling everywhere (the dog cheerfully hoovered that up, tho I still have to clean the inside).

So when my daughter can't find anything or goes automatically to one area to find it is used for another purpose cries 'muuum you broke the kitchen' - on the plus side she has learned to cut real proper bread.

In other news.....
Library books several days late so now have fine... bugger
Have spent money on ebay for essential non-essentials... bugger (ie coloured crochet hooks, mini letter charms,small knitting needles, spotty scissors, it's all for gifting/christmas really it is).

Do I really need a portable oldfashioned typewriter (My dear sister's 1960s one  is now obsolete ribbonwise and FW broke the case too- shithead)  Yes I do want one but keep missing the really cheap ones (I want to type labels and gift tags etc) so I probably will do a buyitnow on a nice one then feel guilty later. (I have spent nothing on me this year  except yarn for gifting and to keep me sane, oh and the odd sticky bun/bag of choc peanuts when in town teehee, oh and childrens school shoes as I have weeny feet)

Now addicted to charity shops but have found nice wearable cheapity cheap clothes (ie boring old lady/style) so I can throw out baggy saggy bleachmarked, holey stuff, (and for cheap books so that i can stop going to library/not reading books cos of blogging/getting fined).
Supposed to be frugally/carefully using what little money I/we get from bloodysoddingbenefits (god i hate it hate it hate it)
PS just paid the virgin media bill on credit card as I don't want to lose broadband halfway thru blogging (and I really love Tivo). I know, I know.... but telly/crochet/blogging is all I got, yeah I know kids/health/blahblah.

Speaking of C*****mas I am considering not sending cards, shall I/shan't I?? Def won't be able to go to my annual dear schoolfriends xmas dinner which completely PISSES ME OFF cos it's practically my only night out a year shitfuckbollocks

Affectionately yours,
Susan x

PS Blimey, rambly post again - sorry if you get bored halfway thru, I don't blame you, get on my own nerves sometimes, tho I do dance in the kitchen when no-one is looking, snigger.
PPS  Bloody hell I really need to get some pictures on here the cheer it up, when I get five minutes I'll figure some out.  The 'five minute job list is huuuuuge by the way)

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Laughing with shock..

I opened an envelope, hand delivered, familiar writing, on the back written 'please also invite ****** and also my son's girlfriend.....ok what's this then.......opened an engagement party invitation, oh niece and boyfriend (ummm bit young but whatever), then, then, read the names former (not ex, that sounds too harsh) sis in law is getting engaged in 2 (TWO) the decree absolute is through then!
I lauged out loud and didn't know what to say, then explained to The FW what we had been invited to.
dear god what to do, she has been a good friend for 32 years and we have always got on well (tho I have heard she can be fierce and scary/shouty etc I have not witnessed this which means has she always been false with me?)
I completely understand and support the divorce from my brother, she was ignorant of his first bad behaviour then indeed buried head in sand to his subsequent bad behaviour 12 years later* (which has led to two prison sentences) to my deep deep shame.

The man she is getting (or gotten) engaged to is an old friend from her schooldays, has never married, has stated he will never leave home or his elderly parents (an only child), was engaged once I believe for many years which was then broken off, remained friends with this woman who was part of his group of friends that *former* SiL joined about a year ago.  She asked me if she was wrong to ask that he spends time with her exclusively and not the other friends/ex fiancee and I said 'no you have only just joined their group and you cannot make demands like this so soon.  she was not happy to hear this and did not see or speak to me for some weeks, I was otherwise occupied and let it go at the time.  we only regained contact some months later when my younger brother became seriously ill and we thought he would die late last year, thankfully he survived intact.  we have since had my niece/god daughters 18th birthday that we attended and met this man very briefly (SiL made a point of introducing him), his elderly parents were also at the party, tho we did not speak.

I worry that SiL is not 'in love' and is thinking of her future as she is struggling to survive on a wage that is not enough to run a home. (she has debts she is not being honest about and has always chucked money at any problem, bought the best of everything and always refurbished a room/home from the floor to the ceiling including the latest ornaments in double quick time), she was sacked from her long term job which I think was a money situation.  Her children have a trust fund from her late step father that she may have dipped in to buy their new home when my brother when to prison (he signed everything over to her at the time).  Only 7 years ago she organised a very elaborate 25th wedding anniversary blessing occasion which must have cost thousands and that was only to 'show' the disbelievers that they were still together despite everything and not because they loved each other after 25 years......just 3 years later the shit hit the fan spectacularly.  Soon my niece/nephew will be able to have their trust fund, tho i don't know all the details it is a lot of money.

We will go to party, smile, be kind and then step back. (I will always be available to niece/nephew as we are pretty much all they have as SiL has no other close family as abandoned by father and other consequent half siblings from birth and also mother abandoned her until she was 5, and was then pretty badly treated from then on) .

*this is the only way I can describe it, it is indeed intolerable behaviour which has had deep and devastating repercussions on his teenage children's emotional wellbeing, mine too, tho they are coping as well as can be hoped under the circumstances.

I feel that everything I knew before is crumbling all around me, I feel like the apocryphal eskimo granny set afloat on a rapidly melting ice floe, parents-in-law in care or trying desperately to find care for (they have differing needs and have had to be separated) what a bloody minefield that is, thank god I'm only floating round the edges although I did say I would care for MiL myself if necessary, jeez as if life ain't hard enough as FW is taking that seriously!!) Sis-in-Law not in best of health (food issues, what can I say - diabetes, blood pressure etc), younger bro-in-law not interested as his wife has the horrible form of MS and quite frankly he was expecting to inherit some money and not have it disappear in their healthcare!! Tho I did say I would only do it if mum begged not to go into care and not just to save someone's bloody inheritance!!!

I have decided that we cannot live on the tiny benefits income we are entitled to and will have to use my credit cards to pay some bills.....that sucks but I have no choice, gas electric/water/virgin media/food is more than income and that includes help with council tax as FW is on ESA at the moment (he may not get DLA, even tho is unable to work cos of work related injuries) we haven't had help with mortgage yet and he has several thousands of credit card bills to pay. and that doesn't include yearly car tax/insurance/mot/tv licence/building insurance. trying very hard not to panic. I had paid off my cards when I guessed things were going to go tits up, but there is  £300 on one at mo from previous utility bill, technically I have thousands on the 'balance' but am too scare to go down that road, if I spend 200 and pay back 100 monthly and use the 0% that I am offered periodically could I stay in control?? Decisions have to be made this week, if only i could concentrate!

keep on swimmin', just keep on swimmin'

Sorry, much rambling
S x
PS for those not in the know - FW - F**kWit

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Are the last hormones leaving the building?

I have felt quite calm today and cooked a meal (roast chicken, forgot the stuffing, bugger), made bread, washed the laundry in the bath (washing machine died last week (again, bugger), have borrowed BF's 30 year old spinner which works yaay, and made progress with the Blanket of Doom.... And Felt Calm. And Unstressed. And Organised. And OK.
So, does this mean that although not had (proper) periods for approx 4(?) years, started peri-menopause at 45 completely unaware of what was going to happen as have no older female relatives close enough to talk to. My late mum had menopause baby in 68, then had hysterectomy straight after.
ooops just published by mistake damn this typing in the dark!!
does this mean there are spare hormones that have been hanging around, I used to get pre-menstrual depression that lasted 2-3 weeks sometimes, yeah I was a bundle of laughs, me!
Waiting for counselling referral and will ask for hormone test.
Let's see what tomorrow brings...........

Sunday, 9 September 2012

For Ann

Whilst watching the closing ceremony of the paralympic games, during Coldplay 'yellow' there was a group of dancers with a lady in a wheelchair - and I caught my breath, my throat closed and my eyes stung for my sister who died almost 30 years ago and who was severely disabled with spina bifida and hydrocephalus and would have loved this, the ceremony and celebration and that disabled people should not ever be hidden* - my heart broke again for our loss of her too soon, too young, too tragically. I will never ever forget her or that day. I was 10 and held her hand (this is not something from the Hallmark channel) - she was very ill and had been sent home from her 'special' school, at the time she laid on our sofa, my mother was hanging out the washing, my dad was in his shed with my little brother, my other brothers were out or in army camp.  Her breathing was laboured, my mum had come home early from work and had phoned the doctor who would not come until the end of his surgery, I held her hand and heard the 'death rattle', she stopped breathing and I ran, out to the garden to tell mum and all hell broke loose.
 I will never forget being outside when the ambulance men came and rushed in and the one with the oxygen tank was told that it wasn't needed, I screamed and couldn't stop.  My mother had a nervous breakdown after the funeral (to which I wasn't allowed to go) and took to her bed for weeks after, it was a bad time and we never recovered as a family, my father had chronic depression from then on as she was his favourite and the rest of us didn't mind that. She was 17.

She died from ignorance - that she had pneumonia and my parent's trust of the doctors 'importance'.

I have decided at the age of 50 to have a tattoo to commemorate her next year for the 30th anniversary (3 Feb 1973) - something small and discreet, she would have been 58 on 2 July 2013 (she shared her birthday with my dad (also no longer with us).

Ann, you were beautiful and I love you still....

Susan x 

* My mother was told after her birth to leave her in the hospital, to go home to her two young boys and forget her as she would soon die or be put into a 'home', needless to say she brought her home and we never regretted it.

Saturday, 8 September 2012


I only have one follower now, maybe the funny (or seen as sarcastic?) comment about a giveaway did that. I never started this to have followers and was surprised and pleased to get them when I did. so, someone has left...oh well same old, same old.

So, again, i will forget all that and carry on with this for me, to clear my head and try to get back into my life again. I have lost my domestic mojo, the place is a disorganised and grubby tip. I want to crochet, sew and get ready for christmas as we are thoroughly, completely and utterly broke, but i feel wrong to sit and crochet when the house is so untidy and the ironing is piling up.  I read the frugal blogs and envy those that have the financial control to organise their finances. I am unable to because I am not in 'control' in this household. The FW is and cannot remember (or doesn't want to), bills/insurances and stuff like that. The electric and gas bills are in my name because i am the one who signed on the dotted line when we changed providers some years ago, fool, fool, fool. my name is also on the water bill/council tax and mortgages (we have two, grrrrrrrr against my better judgement but he wouldn't listen to me, one is a mortgage loan to pay a £60,000 - yep sixty thousand pounds - tax bill). we are underpaying the interest on one mortgage (jeez) because he does not keep up with it and has closed his account with that bank.  The banks he has had problems over the years are - nat west, girobank/alliance &leicester/hsbc/and now santander. he thinks he can close the current one and down and just go and open another. he thinks I am a financial idiot but it is him really.

Went to see GP this morning - she is nice and listened and let me cry for 20 mins, I have mild/moderate depression and she is going to find me a counsellor suitable for me, I hope so, no pills which is good because I hate them. I had carbimazole for years for overactive thyroid (now in remission) and am now on perindopril for high blood pressure - no surprise there!!

My best friend came home from holiday a few days ago but not sure when, she has not phoned and I think she expects me to phone her, how when I don't know when she is back.  it is a one way street, and may be a dead end now, sad.

Lovely MiL is very bad now, 11 weeks from diagnosis to extreme bad behaviour (she has vascular dementia not helped by being in hospital all this time.  family meeting tomorrow for hubby, older sister and younger brother tho younger brother's wife has MS and has worsened recently, we don't have much contact . I am not invited tho expect older sister's husband will of course be there.

Bit of a rambly post, I am tired and low today even though I have undercoated the fugly charity shop roll top desk for in the kitchen as a desk. (I am now looking at an old fashioned dressing table for use in the bedroom as a sewing machine table).

Night night
Susan x