Monday, 29 October 2012

My son is beaming!

He has a job! I am so happy for him and yet a little scared.  He is going to work in a halfway house style care home just 10 minutes walk away as a Key Worker.

He is such a good kid so I am apprehensive that he is going to see 'life' at its best and worst all in one day probably.

And to know that he will be able to, and is happy to, help us financially week by week is a lifesaver for me.  I am confused as to how I feel about this, on the one hand he needs to know that life needs to be paid for and yet I feel guilt that I am going to be looking to him to 'save our bacon'.  He is nearly 24 and had some depression/suicidal issues almost 2 years ago and I feared for him and now he has a lovely girlfriend, a job he is excited about which is close to home (neither of my boys want to drive - go figure!) and a financial future. 

Well Done A x

Eldest son still lives at home and is a part time lecture assistant and also does some occasional private tutoring so that he can pay for his PHD and travel to and from Uni so has to find approx £5k a year.

I have tarted up my page and managed to find the side bar bit, ain't I clever, I might mess around with it a little and I want to add a picture at some point but am not sure how to.

N'night x

I feel pretty,oh so pretty.....

I feel pretty and witty and.........where the fuck is my picture?

Sunday, 28 October 2012

The Blanket of Doom

I am very happy to announce that the B of D is finished, except for tidying up and a damn good blocking (just to be persnicketty about finish dontcha know).  And just in time too because the recipient is staying over Monday night.  I could have waited until the Xmas but decided no, she will get a 'Pretty' for that occasion.  This blanket was started when she was going through a really difficult time and although this blanket has given me some tough going it was made with a lot of affection and I stuck with it and am pleased with the finished result.  I will photograph it and 'show and tell' at a later date, for privacy reasons if you will.

Speaking of privacy, which I was, I have told two people about this blog who are close, but are not likely to be mentioned in it, except in passing, so that's ok.

The FW is pissing me off but that's normal.  It is bill paying week which is shit but that too is normal.

I cannot bear to see all the mad Xmas choccy stuff all over the place, stuff that I would now be buying and getting tucked away, not just the choc, which is vital for a good xmas I find, but all the other lovely stuff.  I have no idea what to get my kids, tho the older ones will only get a token pres, my youngest will prob not want to ask for anything because they all are aware of the financial 'sitch', they are good kids and have never whined or asked for anything even when they were small, because I have always explained that I don't have the pennies for everything.  I feel lucky to have such decent children.

Luckily there are left over cards from last year and so I will cull the long card list.  There are a few crackers, big and small, which are filled and some 'empty' ones too.  I have enough paper and tags for general use, but I have ebayed some little charms and beads and bells to embellish the Prettys, ie garlands, key fob hearts etc that I am crocheting.

Food may be an issue, I may consider meal planning the entire week to the last crumb and perhaps do an online shop/budgetty type thing to see how much it will be be and Then Stick To It, tho I am sure The FW will 'just pop out for something that is forgotten' and come back with shit loads of fancy schmancy stuff, rather than just plain old give me some cold hard cash as a contribution.  I will be angry if he does this (which he will you can bet your knickers on it) even though it will add to the cupboards, I feel it is cheating somehow.  I will stress about how much milk and bread there is and he will buy chunks of pate that will end up going off.

The house is still in a state, the roof still leaks and I can't use the eaves storage so all the boxes are in the bedroom and ensuite clagging up the place gah!

Anyway, moaning over tomorrow I will start the fingerless gloves for daughter and add some rows to her colourful stripy Lucy (Attic 4) Inspired blanket.

N'night x

PS Wasn't Strictly good tonight!
PPS The FW has just come back from pub and is making a racket in the kitchen as flippin normal, he has no concept of being quiet late at night.  I am so tempted to make a racket early in the mornings!

Thursday, 25 October 2012

I'm doing that not bloggin' thing again,

I just can't be arsed.....

Three times today I have had an idea, the words, phrasing and reason why, run it through and then................and then didn't.  I have been in the shower this morning and had thoughts and worries to write about; sorting the washing and muttering to myself about The FW (gritted teeth he is reaLLy pissing me off now!); and later in town after seeing my cousin-in-law (is that a legally binding phrase?), catching up, ie 'having a moan', getting a hug - Thank You LouLou, you know who you are!  :-)

Aaannyhooooo - I am always away from the teeny weeny lappytop, which for the moment is plugged in upstairs, cos I don't have the fugly desk finished yet, sheesh.  I know I would not have made such a good job of it but it would be finished by now.  The ironing board is now in the spot for it in the dining area of the kitchen.  We don't put the ironing board away cos there is always ALWAYS ironing to be done, and it is a useful height for writing lists and wrapping presents on *sigh*.  We have quite a big house but the space is shit, badly designed in the 70s and we tried to make better use of it and spent a long time extending it and getting it right, and yet I could go back in time and do it slightly different and a whole lot better, hey the fuck ho.

Well once again the BF phoned me yesterday, blimey thats 6 times this year - I AM on a roll, well she did need a favour (again).  So we are at the end of October and she has phoned 6 times (5 times a for favour and once when I text her after being away (again) and said "are you home, do you need to go to asda?"  with the excuse that I wasn't sure when she was back I knew she was and just needed to give her a nudge, it worked! )

I made a beef stew today (6 hours it simmered, it did) and The FW (tosser) added some shallots that were left over from his pickling session (little does he know there will be fuck all to eat the fecking pickles with this Christmas!!), anyway he casually said "oh I added half a dozen shallots to the stew" !WHAT! so that is beef stew with onions, leeks and more onions then, fine, whatever. At the table the fuckwad said after son commented on how nice it was that it hadn't cooked enough - 6 pissin' hours - really?

He is on a grump at the moment, during the above mentioned phone call (erm 1 1/2 hours ooops) he stomped in, went to the cupboard, got biscuit and snapped off a bit and gave it to the dog, I said, whilst still on phone "Please don't do that it makes him really ill" (it does), my word the look on his face, like a 6 year old not being allowed out to play, he then stomped back out slamming door behind him (I still think he listens to my phone calls, tho I don't know how).  Today son came in and got biscuit, dropped a bit and didn't pick it up quick enough, so I emphatically said please don't, it makes the dog not eat for three days and is clearly miserable and uncomfortable and all we have to do is make sure he doesn't have wheat in his diet (all the time knowing The FW is right behind me larf).  He only does it because I have specifically asked him not to, he will NOT be told what to do even if it makes the dog ill.  The face yesterday was because he had forgot himself and clearly had not stopped doing so in spite of telling me that he never does, and even when I have said to the family all together that we must not feed the dog wheat.

We have daughter's prize giving tomorrow (such fun) and he has arranged the curry from last week that had been cancelled due to illness to this week, forgetting about the wonderful and not at all boring event.  Right this minute I have no clue whether or not he is coming, or whether son is coming instead, well we had to sit through 2 of his, so it's payback time lol.  This is the 6th prizegiving (we missed daughter's first because she was a bit emo at the time and we were exhausted with other nasty stuff.  NOTE daughter has won three and sons won 2 each - that then is a scientific fact that girls are better than boys - hah!

I have so many crochet projects on the go I don't know which way to turn -
  • blanket of doom nearly {yaay} finished, the girl it is for is sleeping over this monday (see above phone call), so that is an incentive to get the damn thing done, though it is looking quite good now  
  • the single arm warmer for MiL who has arthritis quite bad in one arm, but she is too hot to wear a cardi in the care home due to her health - she has been in care home 10 days and the only time she left the room she upset people in the dining room by slagging the place off, someone loudly objected, rightly so, and therefore has said she will not leave her room again! I will have to finish it that whilst visiting for length and stitching up etc.  She is awkward and may not wear it even though I am making it with love and for her comfort.
  • Christmas gifts started in the summer (I know, I know) which need stitching/ stuffing/ embellishing etc.
  • various things I have started - a half completed bag and some cushion covers aka random practice squares/hexies that I fell in love with.
  • daughters blanket which I started Christmas day last year, it is bloody big and it is too hot to crochet big stuff in the summer
  • Also I promised to teach a friend how to crochet and got quite excited about sharing my lovely hobby and it hasn't happened, I must contact her and say I haven't forgotten, maybe we can do it after xmas.
Considering I wasn't going to write and didn't feel like it I'm not doing too bad am I? But I am tired now, it has been a busy few days and I really need to make nurse appointment, my right eye hurts (I have had 'bleeds' in that eye in the past) so i think my blood pressure is up again  - can't think why, can you?

Gonna go night nights now zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


PS he has just come in from pub (can still afford that then) and is noisily making food in the kitchen and probably giving the dog illegal wheatstuffs *sigh*

Friday, 19 October 2012


I was going to bitch about my letter from the practice nurse re my cholesterol level (5.7 ?!?!? - not surprising really, too many crisps/not enough porridge yadayada you get the drift) but as I am watching the Channel 4 Stand Up to Cancer I am going to shut the fuck up instead!

night night x

Hi Diane x

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I am too tired to type but I will say this...

It has not been a great day because
  • daughter has 2nd cold in two weeks, bad one this time, takes me back to the days before her heart op (aged 9 yrs and 2 wks), so although she is 15 1/2 now and 'well' whenever autumn comes and back to school and germs I hate it.
  • Not sleeping well, I am having busy, stressful dreams and waking up knackered.
  • The FW pissing me off (so what's new you say) - has decided to make pickled onions and egg for crimbo.  Now this is only the 2nd time in 30 years he has done this and whilst I was trying to sterilise the jars for the eggs he was packing the onions into unsterilised jars, then had a 'tant' when I said "those are not sterilised".  I am trying to help  so we don't have mould discovered when it comes to eat them and so as not to waste precious pennies on food that will end up being thrown away.  So he then says "that's what I usually do" - usually... usually, when the hell is twice in 30 years called usually.  {When I am doing something with a sewing machine (not often) or a paintbrush (not as often as I would like) he will say "wouldn't you be better off doing it over there/over here/like this/that way, or worse poking his big fat fingers in the glue, or whatever the hell I am doing, grrrrr}.  So anyway he flings down the lids that he has touched and therefore de-sterilised and starts raising his voice/shoulders etc.  In the past I would have walked away, no more honey, I was not in the mood to tolerate this behaviour today and I told him so. He stomped out, surprise surprise.
  • The FW went to aquatherapy today - you remember my favourite thing I had to give up three years ago - although he didn't enjoy it he is going again I think (probably just to piss me off - bastard), he has induction at the gym tomorrow, I don't think that will 'take' though, teehee.
  • Whilst all the tomfoolery with pickling was going on, I was trying to make bread and do huge pile of ironing and also had to walk to friend's house to deliver her grandchild's 1st birthday present, took dog as well to 'time manage', poor fella didn't get as much 'sniffing time' as I stepped it out a bit. The FW had the car (he had made a big fuss of saying I could go when he got back or that he would take the van - jeez it's a 15min walk if I march rather than trudge and I won't melt if it rains a bit! controlling bastard).
  • He came back from delivering ebay parcels to post office with 'luxury foods' ie stuff I do not buy as they are no longer in the family food budget, including stuff like a box of Ritz crackers and some deli pate.  But you know there is always money for his luxuries, nuff said.
  • He also had early morning phone call with mortgage people, he raises his voice and is a complete arse, which is not helpful to our situation, especially as the call centre is in India and he does not cope well with accents. (His failings at life are having a huge effect on our family and I worry for the future).  He has reluctantly agreed to visit his mum in the care home tomorrow and I have to do the family shop on next-to-no budget at the crack of sparrow to accommodate this - oh joy!
  • Oh yeah and he is out for a curry tomorrow night, well I ain't cooking as I have still got the buggering ironing to do, it will be something on toast for dinner for the rest of us.  I am so close to 'leaving the kitchen' altogether, truly, if it weren't for the kids I bloody would!
I told you I was too tired to I am grouchy!!


PS My best friend has just told me she can't wait to move to be with boyfriend (in the Midlands) it is not 'if' it is 'when', oh... 'bye then.  Long story - more another day.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

I made cake, I ate cake, I ate more cake (I feel sick)

If anyone tells me ( ie SiL and BF) "Oh it only takes 20 minutes to knock up a cake" I will sm*** their faces in their f*cking cakes!  
It took me 2 1/2 hours....ok it was two cakes, and it was from the googlyweb so had to keep checking and logging in again (my computer is passworded - hah FW), but I made a hell of a mess to clear up, though managed to bake both at the same time to save energy, then waited impatiently for them to cool so that I could fill, ice etc.  I also managed by judicial use of the open window to cool the sandwich cake before the buttercream I was eager to add completely melted! doh.

Both recipes I have saved and will make again (success second time around is not guaranteed).  My baking is like Strictly some weeks you're good and some weeks you're not so good.  

I also did not take photos, mainly because the camera was full and had to do technical stuff to make room and also I couldn't be bothered and was desparate to sit down, crochet and wittle down the percentage on the tivo box (which I did by watching 3 hours of american tv, by fast forwarded the adverts etc, and some by deleting 51(!) hours of mis-recorded stuff that The FW says he doesn't know how it got there, ie Men Behaving Badly, Only Fools, The League of Gentlemen (which he doesn't even like wtf) and Road Wars.

So we are down from 68% to 57% (tho I have recorded Strictly, sad I know) and plan to record Fiddler on the Roof tomorrow (most favourite film ever...nearly, the Birdcage is No 2 on the list). So have to work hard watching/deleting dramas (which are difficult to watch during the day because we have no net curtains, and tv faces the window on a busy junction in between 3 schools, so watch documentaries during the day - see I like quality tv as well as the crap american true life crime shows - wonder why lol.

As an update darling MiL is in care home, and does not like the room already, and is cross "because people keep moving things", she says stuff like that because of insecurity and also because she has never mixed well with new people/strangers and has had no friends to socialise with to learn how to deal with new/different situations. Sad.  
I am glad I have lots of friends (which I will blog about if I haven't already....I will check later) also I can talk to pretty much anyone, about anything, usually.

N'night for now, I may add more in the morning.

PS As you may observe I like my tv, this does not make me a bad person if you are thinking of commenting........I learn/I sew, I am entertained/I crochet gifts, it also takes my mind off the daily shite.  I do not go out, smoke, drink, spend (much)...ergo I tv. (did I misuse the latin there, can't be bothered to look it up). I also talk/laugh with my kids.. a lot!

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Why does the emotional crap happen when you are writing a shopping list???

I am TRYING to be frugal/organised and quite frankly  I only want to the supermarket once a friggin' week when there is a huge blow up about the fact that darling MiL is going into care home today (possibly, no information for sure) and The FW says "I'm not going even if S wants me too"....then sulky-faced "what are you looking at me like that for"

This is your mother, you are supposed to put all the other shit in a bag and forget it, nothing else matters, help take your mother into a care home, this is your mother - (voice cracks and I fall apart while my head is in the larder and have a shopping list in my hand) - I didn't shout but I did emphasise the words

He stomps off and I weep noisily in the cupboard, bent over, and the dog is going loolah cos he is sensitive.

We had already (me reluctantly) agreed he was going to help (fuck off) me with the food shop (he is useless, slow, eyeing up the lovely food whilst I want to get in, get what's on the list and get the fuck out of there) he also has bad back and can't help with the heavys which is why I want either son to help (neither available today).

So now I am calming down a little, writing it out and deciding whether to get the FuckHead and go gaily to Asda!!!!!!!!!

PS There will be a post about why I do not want him accompanying me everywhere like a devoted couple joined at the hip.  soon.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012


About 12 hours ago (whilst in the shower) I had a funny post whizzing around my head, now I'm not sure whether to write it and can't quite remember how it went - dang!

But here are the basics:

I was quite happy with the fact that for three days I haven't had to wear a pantie liner so this means I am - a) officially a shrivelled, dried up invisible old hag. sigh, and b) I have, as my BF says, 'healed over', like a shorter (much), fatter (very) Sindy doll. deeper sigh. (well it has been four years, darling!)

For those British people who remember Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada sketches, with much pursing of lips, mouthing of strategic words and arm/boob lifting, that is how I was imagining the 'conversation'. [sorry I don't know how to add a clip]

I also have a new partial denture - go me! (bloody hurts to remove so will take some getting used to!)

So, was that enough for you, or could I go further... nah, when I read it over a little bit of sick came up - bok!

'Night then.

(No X  tonight cos I have embarrassed myself!)

I am so going to regret this in the morning.


Monday, 8 October 2012

Why didn't I answer the phone?

At the moment I am ignoring the phone because a) it may be SiL re Mil, not getting involved, b) probably the mortgage people because The FW is still pratting about and c) I can't be arsed at the moment.

Big mistake, this afternoon I was working on The B of D, the phone is about a foot away from me and I ignored it.  The FW answered down in the cabin and came haring (limping) up to say 'private and confidential for &@', so picked up the house phone and....he hung around while I started the call...... from the counselling people, I didn't even get the name in my slight panic. I managed to head him off and he went back down to cabin, I have to get off the phone cos he listens in, sheesh.  I just said I'll call back.  Waited 10-15 mins and back he comes 'that was an odd phonecall' - (ok think fast oh yeah we've just closed an online bank account and the cheque came for me) yes, ses I, I nearly forgot the cheque that came for a whole £23.23 woohoo, they were just checking to see if it came. 
I doubt very much he believed me cos I'm not a liar but he can't call me on it.

So I have left a message leaving my mobile number, the mobile that I hardly use cos I hate the buggery things, so now I have to carry it around in my pocket, (note to self - wear something with a pocket),  but I will try to call them again first thing, or try to stay out of his way.  I have got dentist and need to go into town so hopefully will try then too.  I hope this is a local, ie very local place I can get to, cos I rarely leave the house for more than a couple of hours and don't drive out of town, If it doesn't work then, well I don't know.

It's not really a Control Thing, just a control thing, insecurity on his part probably because he fucked around in the past.  (He actually has a small bit of paper with ILU (I love you) and a phone number - the dick doesn't realise it is one of HIS old mobile numbers as he has had a lot of phones and it is a message he sent to my number probably by mistake (he checked my phone once or twice I think). Twat. My phone is old, basic, same number, no pin and usually lying around charging up so I never remember to take it out with me, silly mare.

He  has only sent I love you twice to me - once by mistake and once when I left the house in a state because of what happened six years ago (another story, another time), that's it, that's all.  I am waiting for him to ask me about it because I dust the bedside table and pick it up and put it back every time lol.  It won't get thrown away until he caves in and asks and I will tell him he is a Dick.

Had long phone chat with BF (mainly so Th FW couldn't use the phone) and am appalled by her lack of care for her nearest and dearest, she is putting herself first and tho I sympathise a bit with her, I fall on the side of her daughter/baby grandson and her elderly mother.  She is seriously talking about leaving the area next year when her youngest daughter leaves school. So my daughter and I lose our best friends.....great that's another female leaving me.

Change of Subject - I need to decide whether to intervene/chat with niece and nephew about Stuff, do I need this shit, or do I leave it and regret it later further down the line, I have always told them I will come running if they need me, and I will no matter what, but do I say the unsayable.   Also, do  I tell Bro his ex wife is engaged before the ink is dry on the Decree Absolute.  God I hate my family.

Sleep now, tired x

And the day started so well, too.

Would the last hormone shut the door on the way out please.

Can I whisper in your ear,

I feel *ahem* normal.........

kinda like I felt when the thyroid medication kicked in after two years of undiagnosed hyperthyroidism.........

I am a bit perturbed (good word for a monday morning)......

I am worried it won't last and all the good intentions (aka jobs that NEED DOING) will disappear in a puff of dust/cat hair/dog hair/tidying/cleaning/ebay & bootfair organising.

Oh kettle's boiled, cup of tea?

PS forgot to ask doc for hormone blood test - bugger
PPS will get results of last weeks full blood count tomorrow hopefully - statins, I am coming to getttttt youuuuuu!
PPPS new partial denture tomorrow - cor, sex on legs, that's me that is.

Oh, for the love of Raymond...

I have just read the last post of *Crochet with Raymond* (sorry I don't know how to link) and am so sad.  I loved reading Alice's life and crochet and sock knitting adventures. I have left a comment on her penultimate post, tho it may not get added.

I am very sad that many people who I found and read when I discovered this little world have disappeared for various reasons, (I am always late to the party!), they always seem to be the prettiest and most inspiring ones.

On the other hand there are so many other beautiful, funny, inspiring ones that I need a few 'secret' hours of the day to read them - which is why I am writing this at half five ay em!

Mornin all!!

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The post about Being Helpful

The FW keeps mentioning that he will clean things in the kitchen, the bars above the stove (like a victorian warming rack type thing) or scrubbity scrub the worktops - helpful or insulting?

Because of the kitchen re-organise and the fact that I now wash up the undishwashables in the adjacent utility room he has now moved a shelf (now the sugar/tea won't fit grrr) in the cupboard above the kettle for 'our favourite mugs', because he can't find them - well we have a mug tree by the kettle for these that is sometimes empty because a) they are draining in the utility room or b) they have not been brought back for washing up by the culprits users.  "Oh I didn't think to look round there" durr.  Several steps across the kitchen (ie above the newly moved microwave) is the spare mug cupboard where we keep guessed it...spares/second favourite mugs - moron or idiot?

What the fuck does he think I am doing in the utility room all day, playing marbles with the dog biscuits?
Why the fuck has he spent thirty years not doing any job I have requested no matter how urgent/necessary but now is 'being helpful'.....go away.

Night Night x

PS The doggie has been washed and trimmed and smells sweeter, yaaay, but has also realised he can jump out of the bath - not good.

I actually managed to walk the dog woohoo

Yep, poor fella, he doesn't get out everyday, but we have a large garden, a cat to play with and the postman to send him into frantic chasing in and out of the catflap.  The boys walk him when I ask but we don't take him out in the rain cos he is low to the ground (like me larf) and white so a rainy walk involves a bath and that kills my back. (He is the only one to use our posh, deep, jacuzzi bath)  He is due a bath tomorrow oh yippeedeedoodah, trimming will also be on the menu (deep joy).

I am not feeling too bad at the moment (considering the past week) and am being good and not switching laptop on during day so am not tempted to blog read when should be cleaning/ironing etc.  Managed to work on the Blanket of Doom (the end is nigh) and catch up on some pre-recorded telly.

Did not visit MiL in hosp today when hub went (persuaded eldest son to go, tho he wasn't keen, she is happier in new ward,but kept calling my son by my younger brother's name as the likeness is strong when A was his age, she asked after my mum too tho she has been gone 14 years, I'm glad I wasn't there for that).

I am concerned that unless hub and his sister don't meet up soon and try to get past this there will be a rift, and this family consider a rift to be normal. MiL didn't speak to her younger sister for 40 years until near the end of her life, her older sister for 10 years and would have nothing to do with stepmother-in-law which resulted in FiL not receiving his full inheritance a few years ago. All of these rifts were for small, misunderstandings or mistaken pride. What a waste.
I have always said I can't be doing with this sort of crap, my brothers piss me off all the time, but we don't fall out even if we don't speak for a long time due to 'life stuff'.  But, quite frankly, hubs family are a fucking pain in the arse, pretending all is well and aren't we lovely when really they must hate each other to act like this.  It's a quite big family but the individual circles are getting smaller.

MiL had a nervous breakdown about 12 years ago, it was quite scary at the time and she said she was worried when she and dad were gone they family would break apart.  I didn't think it possible at the time but she was right, one sister has died, one brother has wife with MS and is not including us or informing us or asking for help at all.  We would give it gladly but to ask for help is a sign of weakness.  They always like to feel superior (which of course is an insecurity) and to have any sign of weakness, whether it be financial, health, marital is only mentioned in passing and any offers are automatically rejected.  When on the rare occasions they give help if it is asked for then it is on their terms and not always quite what you need or when you need it at that particular moment,  which is pointless.

I have always been open about any problems we have (except one in my own family that is impossible to talk about because it is not my secret, or the marital problems we have and are still experiencing because the fallout is too huge to consider), I don't care who knows we are struggling financially, or my daughter's previous health/teenage angst or son's mental health, and they never seem to listen or ask in case we might actually ask them for help.  In fact I think they may be cardboard cutouts because there are never any problems or issues any of them have which can't be right, can it?

So all talk is oneupmanship or mere hints to 'pityfish' when the once in a blue moon occasion get together occurs (ie a funeral or parent birthday).  Tho I have just realised that on some occasions everyone has managed to arrive/depart at different times and therefore avoid each other.  There was once some socialising when the other sis was alive but I can only guess at this as we were never invited.The only times the whole family got together was at parents house and that hasn't been for years because the house was too small as the family expanded!

I think when their parents are gone that will be it, all these families who have also had the next generation families will not know each other. How sad.

For myself, I see one brother now and again as he is single and hovers around in his own little world, one brother barely remembers he has other siblings and the middle brother is an 'unmentionable' for reasons that are impossible to talk about, see above). I have many cousins down here on my mum's side (ie dahn sarf) but they are all boys and don't think about girly things like family socialising etc.  My father came from the midlands and there are girl cousins there but we have lost touch except for the odd xmas card.  When my favourite auntie died recently they sent a letter with an explanation as to who she was (as if I did not remember her) and when I phoned immediately my cousin was surprised to hear from me! I sent sympathy cards, photos I had found and flowers etc and got absolutely nothing in response.  That hurt, and made me feel diminished and not worthy of the grief I felt at losing my aunt.

This is similar to what I experienced recently with MiL, it is as if I am not allowed to feel emotional about the loss we are experiencing (it is ongoing because mum is slowly disappearing and so is dad with his alzheimers) I think SiL thinks mum will magically reappear when she is out of hospital.  I am certainly not allowed to express an opinion.

Anyway I may have to try and manage the days in tiny chunks of time and allotted task for that day and not be distracted with others and their demands. That is why I did not go to hosp today because I had things to do and set times to do them in. There are times in the day when I work best, and times when I think best.  I also try to have 'time off' and when I don't get that precious time I get cranky.

Another wordy post and still i have only scratched the surface, if you are still interested I will carry on, tho i may carry on anyway just to clear out the noggin so there might be some space for positivity - now there's a thought!

See ya later, alligator.
I actually posted this at midnight not mid afternoon.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Today I did not shower.........

because i couldn't be arsed.

Instead I

: actually vacuumed some floors - go me!
: cleaned the downstairs loo - whoop whoop!
: worked on the Blanket of Doom - the best light is in the kitchen in the morning
: did a wool wash - steady on girl
: made a great loaf - that will be gone in an instant
: made some so-so rolls for the burger dinner (first and last time) - ever
: danced a lot in the kitchen - nobody saw
: two letters from school - prizegiving/tracking sheet As and Bs - gorgeous  girl
: had cup of tea and chat with girlfriend of son - sweet but 'teachery'
: caught up with some Tivo crap - (watch 1 hour and record 3 hours each night!)
: worked on gorgeous girls blanket (lucy inspired) and watched Strictly- woohoo
: muttered occasionally to myself about The FW's family - grrrrrrr.

Yesterday the lovely middle son accompanied me to the hated asda, we did well and talked and laughed our way round. 
Then had a phone call lasting nearly two hours with BF (oh shit, the phone bill!!) about her back procedure and my crap.  Bless her, she says she is always around when I need her (er no actually, mostly off the the midlands with new boyfriend), and that I can always talk to her (er again no actually, usually during a 59 minute phone call the first 53 mins is all about her stuff, then I get 6 mins and then the kitchen timer goes and bye bye!)*
I sound like a meanie but as usual I give more than I get, sorry I'm whining again.

Hoping for a decent weekend - Blanket of Doom, baking cakes for Saturday (we have 'normous breakfast, I make cakes and then leave the kitchen - tivo time), hopefully bath the stinky dog including trimming his gob and his giblet area, Sunday lunch, leave kitchen, tivo time again (during tivo time I crochet or do the mending)

{sshh whisper I am going to try and tidy the house next week, don't say it out loud as some bollix will put the kibosh on that}

always your true and most affectionate friend,

Susan x

PS Showering will be resumed tomorrow.

* sometimes The FW listens in on the other phone..bastard

Thursday, 4 October 2012

I think it's only wednesday but

it has been a hellish day in a hellish week.
today I have cried myself into exhaustion and dehydration.
Hub and his sis are at war re mum
bro in law is beside himself with rage - protecting his wife I grant you but he is unaware that what his wife is doing is not in mum's best interests, financially or practically.
when we met in ward this pm we were hustled by SiL into next room hub was immediately angry at her first words and i tried to speak to allow him to calm down and was told 'no I want to speak to my brother'
I left the room and motioned bro in law to stay in corridor which to his credit he did but within earshot
I tried to explain hubs issue and but this was immediately negated by BiL who said they have had to deal with this for four years which is true but SiL always  had the best of mum to to the detriment of her other siblings. (I had a lot of love and support from mum because my own mother was elderly and ill when I had my babies and died just after my daughters 1st birthday, I lost my father when my boys were tiny)
I have known and liked BiL as an essentially likeable and harmless bloke for 30 years, but today the waves of rage and negativity were palpable and scared me
we stood a few feet apart and I tried again to say some facts on the situation, this was again blocked/denied yet I know these facts to be true - in these instances you cannot get through to people when the drawbridges are pulled up.

I broke down and wept in a public corridor, deep sobs that I could not control.
The person standing beside me did not acknowledge, approach, offer the simplest comfort/word or even a tissue
I said between sobs that he was allowed to support his wife but I was not allowed to support my husband. Their younger brother has distanced himself but his wife has the severest form of MS and he has recently had to give up work to care for her (she is younger than me)
I managed to control myself eventually when hub and SiL came out of room - there were words of upset and discord between them but I did not hear what they were. SiL came to me and when I said I could not bear it her reply was 'welcome to my world I've had this for a year' and left me there. We did not know how bad it had got.  The line between privacy and secrecy is non-existent.

Hub and I had a meeting with the ward manager and we were told that mum had asked that the family were not told that she had MRSA, at first this seemed feasible but now I begin to doubt. She was transferred to this ward within 2 hours of our visiting yesterday and looking at her notes
Hub has said he regrets not dealing with this sooner, to his sis and the nurse, maybe things would have been dealt with better, I know this to be true.

After meeting we decided to leave the ward until SiL and Bil had left, we went and had tea and I cried and poured out my heart whilst feeling guilty that this is not My mum and yet I am in pieces, I spoke about feeling like a piece of dirt to be ignored when in great distress, something I could not do to another however I felt about them.  I know his family dislike or even hate me because the way I came into the family but this has been 30 years now, we have children who were themselves not included in family stuff and barely know their cousins. After our tea the lady in the coffee bar who hub knows because he used to do much work at that hospital hugged me.. a stranger, and yet family couldn't care less.

At a recent meeting re mum at SiL's house her hub was there, and her two brothers were invited (I was not and other SiL obviously not able to be there) though it seemed that decisions had already been made and all she wanted was their agreement. I have written about this in previous posts.

I did say to hub that if S were alive this would not be happening (S died 3 years ago from breast cancer, she hated me the most and I was not allowed to attend funeral) S was the second eldest, the most practical, no-nonsense and got almost no help at all from her mother which hurt her but she got on with her life).

I feel that SiL believes she is the first and only person on the planet who has had to deal with elderly parents, and yet will not accept any help or advice or indeed goes out of her way to do the opposite. In the beginning I had mentioned that I had to deal with two elderly parents needing care when I had two small babies, couldn't drive and I had no help at all (did not say at the time but will if given the chance again that  I had an unsupportive and very demanding husband to deal with as well), whereas her husband is retired and does a lot for her and her eldest daughter is quite forthright and practical too and gives a lot of support to her.

in my opinion she has had a soft life, with the most help for the least reasons 'I have a headache can you do my ironing' etc.  her boasting re grandchildren is endless but three months ago I was allowed 10 minutes to boast about my son doing his PHD, then my time was up whilst she brought up some obscure 2nd cousin who was a 'real' doctor.  It rankles her that my son is the first and only grandchild in the family to go to university.

Perhaps I am being harsh to her in this distressing time but the endless discrimination to myself and my children, the rejection/ignorance/downright rudeness has taken a massive toll on our family. I have no older female relatives to turn to, even my SiL in my family has left us and is joining another family.
I often have to be strong for my niece/nephew, my childless brother whose eventual elderly care will fall on my children in years to come.  My eldest brother behaves like an only child (he has stepdaughters and sends us a 'round robin' letter to let us know about births/marriages etc) so I feel I cannot turn to him for support and anyway he is not a girl.

I want/need to be held and patted and rocked and my tears dried and this may never happen. Hub did comfort me briefly and listened thoroughly to my feelings and is conscious of my fragility at the moment (tho I have not told him about recent visit to GP to seek help with depression), but he is angry with his sis who has now contacted younger brother to get him on side.

I have said walk away and leave it, visit mum and dad in their care homes (mum will get into home soon tho we know she will hate her room within days of being there), let the shit hit the fan it is none of our doing and we do not have to deal with the fall out, and trust me there will be fall out.

Tho I will 'put this behind me and be polite in the future' I fear the repercussions will run deep and long, you are never ever forgiven if you step out of line. 

Thank God for my friends. even the ones i have neglected this horrible horrible year. (I have a 'friends' post in my draft list, I will look it out).

Another long and self indulgent post, apologies but I need to 'write it out'.  my tears have dried and I may wake tomorrow angry and woe betide anyone of hubs family who try to take me on, because believe me they will lose. I may only be 4' 10" but I am fierce when you hit the right nerve.

Love ya

PS I dread tomorrow and not just because I need to do asda shop!

Man, the right anti-histamine can knock you right out, I may not wake when kid leaves for school.
N'night all

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Picture if you will....

though better not to if you're eating breakfast or still queasy from last night's iffy kebab....

.......whilst muttering to myself (signs of stress/frustration with the FW) Maroon 5 'one more night' bursts to life on the radio (rush to to turn the sound RIGHT up).....still picturing - here goes 

- slightly overweight menopausal hobbit woman (marginally less hairy) wearing tired dressing gown and childrens slippers (yeah whatever, size 2 feet), dancing like a video ho whilst loading mens undies (gak) into the washing machine. 
Disclaimer - When children in kitchen I dance like a 1970s Nolan Sister and they sigh, roll their eyes as they leave the room. When The FW is in the room I do not dance at all. (except maybe in my head..and poke my tongue out at him...and give him the V sign* snigger)

* I originally wrote stick my fingers up snigger .....then edited.....quickly

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Well, Guess What....

About a couple of hours after our hospital visit to MiL it was announced she was being moved to a 'special' ward (I won't name it as that would identify hospital) and that ward said, and I quote, "oh we'll get that sorted out in a week"!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK. grrrrrrrrrrr. 
Hub spoke to SiL today who told us that she went to hosp at 9pm that night and told that ward everything that we had done/ the complaint and everything. I told him that would not prevent us going to PALS, but it is possible that the paperwork we tried to get yesterday ie the original admissions paperwork from her first brief stay there (and when the accident happened) could now be more difficult to get (I am not paranoid, just realistic).  Mum was transferred to another hospital for 'rehabilitation' but could not do it as she felt so ill, we did not realise this and gave her pep talks to try harder etc. Then when her heart rate soared and temperature went through the roof they transferred her back to original hospital, it was downhill from there.
We went to PALS office yesterday and had to leave message on the answerphone thingy and whilst doing that couldn't remember mums birthdate, as some bloke came out and spoke to us whilst I was doing that, so I lost my thread and went to try again, hub decided to leave it and phone tomorrow (today) - as we walked away I said "so close, so close to actually dealing with it" grrrr. Eventually he has not phoned today and we are going in tomorrow tho we may not get a meeting straight away.  That will piss him off but he will not listen to me regarding procedures etc.
Aaannyhooo, today SiL has said "oh don't do anything without telling me as we don't want to upset anyone".....what the fuckin fuck. (In spite of the fact that when trying to get mum in care home she would ignore hub's suggestions, turn up earlier than him at the homes and basically have the meeting before he got there and sometimes hedged/lied about mum's condition.  They ain't daft these care home Manager's.  Anyway it was the latest one that went to see mum and found the MRSA page on her notes and let us know!
Hub worked damn hard writing up the notes for our case and she wants to ignore it and brush it under the carpet. Well, No Actually, we are going to do this, I don't care if it upsets her (she hates me anyway) she lives in fluffy wuffy fairyland, doesn't believe swearing is necessary at all in real life and no-one should raise their voice. ever. Well bollocks to that, real life is shit, get on with it.
I am common, but that doesn't mean I can't manage a good, productive meeting, getting my point across politely but firmly (asking for 'help' along the way from whoever the meeting is with).
Mum went into hospital with two smallish wounds from falling over and investigation was needed to discover why (this was done within about 72 hours) by this time the accident had happened. Within 10 weeks from diagnosis her vascular dementia is advanced and not helped by the severe infection (now known to be MRSA) that could have been "sorted out" WEEKS ago.  SiL asked if she had MRSA three times and was told 'No'.

Anyway, about me now - had blood test, not too bad with 20mg of diazepam and 2 armloads of emla cream.  The lady at the cottage hospital is so good I wish I could take her back in time to do all my painful/bruising/stressful ones from the past.  Walked miles 'cos obviously can't drive under the influence so bit tired but at least had exercise, tho went thru high street/charity shops.....ooops, etc on way to dentist; thought I would make the most of the diazepam lol.
Lord alone knows what the results will be, cholesterol/thyroid/diabetes etc.  Too many crisps, not enough porridge is my problem. I had an oveeractive thyroid a few years ago and went down to under 8 stone and size 10- I thought I looked gawjus darling, but the doc said no dear, you are ill - 'bugger' sez I. You should see my passport picture I look absofuckinlutely terrible). 
If the nurse suggests I go to gym etc with my lesser half (as he has been recommended/referred to do, I swear I will tie a kettlebell to his dick and throw him in the pool.  I used to go three years ago and Loved It, pilates/aquatherapy/floating with style (can't swim)/gym etc) and had to stop when he was home and kept asking where I was going/when going to be back etc, then the money ran out and that was it.  So - results awaited with trepidation/anguish. (Oh yeah The FW is losing weight - bastard!).

N'night all (PALS office in morning, hey ho)
PS Readers will note did not use the epithet (ooh get me) 'The FW' when relating the MiL story, I might dislike/hate him (depending the day/occasion)  but am not that cruel.
PPS Am actually getting tiny bit used to him being at home, ie am not shocked when I walk into kitchen and he is sitting there, larf.  We even laugh at stuff sometimes, that doesn't mean we will ever share a bed or even a room again. I am just coming to terms with the situation.

Monday, 1 October 2012

OH EM EF GEE (aka The Worst Monday For Six Years)

So this is how it went:
  • 9am Jobcentre Plus to sort out son's JSA letter re 'no money'. Disconcerting as it has been so long since I signed on (24 years) that I didn't know the place had moved! Scary place with many 'differently attired' people (ie hoodies, hoodies with aTiTood) and security guards wtf. Anyway nice lady, thanks Kate, explained how it all worked out ...and now we know, although the original letter did not explain AT ALL, and son had got in a state about it. Previous evening had to explain fiercely to The FW that we would deal with this situation My Way and not through snail mail (weeks&weeks& weeksetcblahblahblah) and I believe we did the right thing.  Sorted.  On walk back to car discussed managing money and that mummy is always right in financial situations. Son agreed, and meant it!
  • Back home and decided to get vacuum out and tidy bedroom (that was a tip because the eaves storage had a leak and now shite all over the place (Xmas cards/stockings, spare duvets, you name it!) Before I had a chance to dust off the bags/boxes etc the phone rang - Darling Mum-in-Law has MRSA, she is in hospital and has been for 14 weeks now. Originally to find out why she was falling over which had resulted in two nasty wounds on her arms. She has been caring for Father in Law who has Alzheimers and she had become exhausted so we decided Dad had to go into respite for two weeks whilst mum had rest.  Whilst being moved to ward in wheelchair on admission Porter banged her leg on a bed resulting in another bad wound. This was not dealt with at the time by sister in law, anyway long story short MiL has MRSA which had been denied three times when asked about by SiL.  Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia within 48 hours of admission.  As a result of the extended time in hospital and the infection etc this has rapidly become apparent, distressingly so.  Within 10 weeks the change has been huge and  many upsetting things have happened to her and her behaviour/language/appearance has deteriorated massively. She was always smart, made up, nice hair and pleasant to talk to and be with. Now she is skinny, unkempt, bad and racist language, stroppy, childish, raising her nightdress to show her body etc. It is unbearable for us to see our lovely mum in this state.
  • On arrival home we were starving, and were having tea and bics whilst son prepared dinner (he is a good lad) the phone rang friend in hysterics because there is a fuckoff great rat in her kitchen..........fuck me says I and off we go to buy rat bait and macdonalds as she and her daughter are starving and too scared to go in kitchen. In the meantime the neighbours go round and shove round under the cabinets, there is a big hole they block up and luckily no droppings, we think this may be first visit. (My friend has fibromyalgia and severe and chronic back condition and she is having a procedure in the next county on wednesday (same hosp as MiL's fecked up her back last year!!) So hilarity proceeds as we crawl around kitchen putting down bait (method: she fills trays/I put them on floor/she pushes them under cupboards using broom, repeat) then getting the plinth back in place. Her daughter is pissing herself laughing at these two old broads on their knees, swearing and laughing hysterically, snorting and farting all the you think we scared the bastard rat off p'raps! Oh she is in such pain and trying to cope with her elderly mum, teenage daughter, wanker ex husband and helping older daughter with active baby grandson is taking a toll on her too. All I can do is run the odd errand (she has no car cos some stupid old bastard crashed into her and wrote hers off and increased her back problems, he is probably back on the road none the worse for it stupid old git!) and make her laugh and take the piss out of her unmercifully - well  some-one's got to do it!!
  • So home again knackered, The FW to deal with SiL and arrange paperwork for complaint to PALS, me to get ready for tomorrow - fasting blood test (needing diazepam and emla cream - such fun) then straight on to dentist (might as get full use of the diazepam chuckle) for new partial denture ummm sexy. So will be walking 3 miles to cottage hospital for blood test, wander through high street smiling sweetly at all and sundry on way to dentist then wander home, lovely.  Cup of tea, short nap then carry on as normal - Normal, what the fuck is that I hear you say.
Crumbs, don't I go on, you should hear me talk *larf*

PS hear this eve that MiL has magically been moved to super duper ward especially for severe infections...hmm is this anything to do with us asking to see her notes and then sitting in her room photographing them whilst staff just happened to be standing outside in corridor 'chatting'.  The shit is going to hit the fan, big time.