Friday, 30 November 2012

So, here's the thing.......

How come I can just pick up the post, open it and then.....actually deal with it like there has never been a problem with my stoopid head. 

I have just spoken to the water company, had a nice chat and she is sending out a form (yaaarrgh) to get help with the water so The FW can have the pain-relieving therapeutic showers/baths he needs.

I have also spent some fab time decoupaging my cubby thing to go in the fugly desk.  Ok it has been set up to do this for about a week and I am only about half way through, but it is looking good, and I am so chuffed with myself I danced a little jig!!

And I feel ok, I mean really, really ok. 
Please dear God this lasts, please, please.


Thursday, 29 November 2012

Today I did not cry........

Nothing has changed, everything is the same and yet.....and yet, I did not cry this morning, I got on with the busy, slightly stressful day and felt almost, but not quite, sort of okay.

Had brief visit with MiL, she seems to be settling in care home and hoping for a bigger room at some point.

Had a couple of interesting chats with each boy 'bout life and shizz and, at last have started on The Edge of daughter's crochet blanket, yippedeedoodah.

We still may go offline, possibly in about an hour 'cos virgin bill still not paid, sigh.  I think mugsy here will have to pay 'cos daughter needs the 'portal' for school work.  (I remember them old days when the teacher made you write the homework in your Rough Book, remember them? That's the seventies for you).

I don't know what happened overnight, is there still an 'ormone 'anging abaht!

N'night my pets x

PS If I go 'way for a bit, I won't be far I promise.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Oh poop......

Today it is a month to middle son's birthday which means there is less than a month to C*****mas. oh poop.

I have just done a small budgetty type thing as aforementioned son has just been paid and will therefore give me the money back that I have lent him to tide him over and also his first month's housekeeping.  What with the food shop and putting the teeny tiny tax credits straight into my No 2 account for the gas/electric/water bills there is no extra money left, for anything. oh poop.

I did last weeks food shop on my small credit card so that has to be paid back.  Plus the other credit card that I used for last Christmas.  I chopped in some premium bonds to pay that back last January, then didn't because the gas and electric needed to be paid and The FW hadn't got any money to pay them so therefore here I am nearly in December with last Xmas credit card bill still to pay.  oh poop.

I have spent the last few days sobbing, and trying to stay motivated and keep on top of things but it is not working.  My energy levels are at an all time low.  Eldest son had to help cook dinner yesterday even though he is not a kitchen type person, luckily it was simple sausage and mash.

Tomorrow middle son will help me with a very well planned asda shop and on the way home pick up my cylinder vacuum cleaner I lent to BF 2 years ago to help her out.  I need it back now as I am struggling with the hideous Dyson The FW bought that same year.  (It sounds extravagant being a two vacuum cleaner family but there are practical reasons why, ie I am a small person and I can't really lug them up and down the stairs and we have a largish house*).

After that The FW wants to visit his mum in the home and I am going too because I haven't seen her for ages.  I hope I can put a good 'face' on.

There is a chance I may be offline soon cos The FW has not paid the virgin media bill today (he hinted a couple of days ago he may not have the money to, he also thought that I was still receiving his working tax credit he had signed over to my bank account (like £70 a month was going to pay £300 per month worth of bills!),  even though I explained to him it would only happen once as he no longer works therefore will not get working tax credit any more - durr.  He still goes up pub every night, contributes (a lot) to their monthly cheesy nibble snack night, and also buys branded expensive food to eat at home 'cos he doesn't like the value stuff I buy!

Although I get fed up when the tv disappears, he needs the interweb more than me because he is making and selling model railway stuff on the Bay of E.  This is what is funding his pub life.

So, mucho poopo to be dealt with. 

A Bientot my beauties x

* before you get all poopsie on me cos we have a big house, we were foster carers for a while until our daughter was traumatised and I had to stop.

PS - strange talk at dinner of stepson's partner wanting me to join the Book of Face so she can talk to me!!!  Um why not phone me.......!! The FW said she was a shitstirrer, why would he say that, and why would she want to talk to me, we are not exactly BFF.  Curious I am.

Friday, 23 November 2012


bad day
it is hard to unpack the shopping and unload the washing machine whilst your throat and chest are tight and tears are dripping off your nose
christmas is looming and i want to put it off
i cannot write a card
i cannot buy or make a gift
i cannot prepare the house
however hard i try
i sit and stare, my head getting lower
but i don't want family to notice
i hope this will pass

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Just a quickie.......

Today I phoned daughter's school.  They are failing her examwise.  It is a total fuck up.  Hoping to meet with a 'Learning Leader'.  That'll be a form tutor then.  Her school has 'communities' rather than forms.  These communities include all the ages which is a Good Thing.  Her targets and achievements are in the As and Bs, but the exam marking is C and D.  I am furious.  She works very hard and is brighter than her brothers at the same age.  But she will not achieve the grades that she is expecting to because of the poxy exam fuckup marking.  I want to scream. 

I am counting the days til school is over.  After 21 years of watching the political involvement in education ie league tables, school changes (to academy) and the introduction of the English Baccalaureate, (apparently the next year will be ok because the school is 'practising' on this year's kids. grrr) I have had enough.

I have written a letter to Michael Gove but will send it tomorrow after I have read it again.

Not that it will make any difference except to make me feel better.  (Another government minister being ranted at by a middle aged woman lol).

The cat is watching underneat the cooker and adjoining cupboards verrrry carefully, gulp!

The dog is hesitating about jumping up on to the sofa, he is usually very nimble oh dear.

A bientot my chickens, tomorrow is another day x

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

With a little help....

This evening I did something rather clever...
with help from a sooper dooper bloggy type 'diamond' person, I made some changes to my page.
I look 'real' now.
Go me.

PS I don't want to sound too sad and desperate but if you are in any way, y'know not busy like, you could maybe press ma button........y'know if ya feel like it......yes, no, yes?

Monday, 19 November 2012


which is not difficult to feel when you are 4' 10", petite, slightly overweight and get trampled on in supermarkets etc in spite of wearing a Bright Red Coat.

Just lately, though, there have been a few instances/comments/mentions/occurrences where I have felt small, invisible, worthless, useless, overbearing (if that is possible), and just downright rubbish.

This is a pityfest I am afraid, so if you are looking for the 'isn't life wonderful' blog you ain't gonna find it here.  I do have moments of 'nice' though they are indeed only moments.

Middle son's GF has not stayed to a meal for 2 weekends now, the last time she was here I was a little stressed and later on said to son that I did not appreciate an audience whilst I was cooking (which I hate doing anyway), knowing him he passed that on bluntly.  Even though The FW was also in the audience!

I find that when there are people in the room I make mistakes, drop things, in other words turn into a complete moron.  I am not a great cook, I do what I have to within the budget, mood, different tastes of those involved.  Eldest son and I would be content with something on toast, The FW wants gourmet, daughter would eat chinese style noodles all the live long day and middle son likes everything except jam, beans, mash, bananas, custard, hot puddings, tea, coffee, etc *sigh*.  In the days when we used to eat out occasionally someone was always unhappy/hungry. 

Now I know there are people who will say those old chestnuts like: don't give an alternative, they will eat when hungry: when I was a kid we ate everything or starve: mollycoddling blah blah.....
....well when I was a child my mum (a great cook) made one meal for everyone and my memories of those times are very difficult - my oldest friend remembers these time as well - in doing what he thought was best my dad (love him) used to force feed me and then smack me when I threw up.  I vowed I would eat only what I wanted (why shouldn't I, everyone else does) and when I wanted.  I truly hate 'dinner time'. 

I have conformed inasmuch as we eat at the table at the same time for evening meals/sunday lunch. but everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch, at different times to suit their day so I am constantly clearing up.  A pain in the a*se but it is my choice to not be tied to the bread board.  I also made a point of sitting at the table when the children were small, with food, and I ate it, then later when they were older and established I would sit with a cup of tea and chat/cut food/encourage to eat etc.  Now I usually start clearing up or feed the animals, make the packed lunch for daughter, stuff like that.  I do sit down for sunday lunch still, even with a small plate.

I have found through my travels in life there are others that have 'selective diets' like me and don't make food for their families at all, I do and it is still not good enough.

Now here's the thing, I mentioned the 'constant clearing up'  on the phone to BF some time ago and again recently.  There was no-one in the room so how does The FW know what I said and why.  This very thing came up this morning, how does he know this?  There are often snippets of conversations that get mentioned and I wonder if I am being paranoid or, or, is there something else going on? He is all the way down the garden in his cabin ffs.

Middle son now has job that is 'rotational' so is often out for dinner including weekends, but it often changes so I don't know where I am budget-wise, portion-wise or ideas-wise at the moment.

Dear daughter decided to spend most of this last weekend with friends after a week of slightly heightened emotions, I do wonder what is being said about me, her father has always denigrated me to people who do not know me and I wonder if she is doing the same.  I fear so, and it makes me sad.

I feel that I must be a horrible person because of this even though there are friends and semi-relations that I do not see as often who think I am great, give me hugs and wonder how I am still standing with all the horrid stuff I have had to deal with.

I hardly speak to BF anymore unless I phone her, and then feel I guilty when I hear about the lots of crap (some self-inflicted) she has had to cope with, even though she does not phone me at the time.
What should I do; pretend, put a face on and give my all to everyone else, again or should I be quiet, not speak for fear of upsetting anyone and just get on with it.  This is something I have done for twentysomething years, there must come a time when I matter, how I feel and could I maybe have some consideration please?

Sorry about the big long wordy post, this has been simmering for a few days and has taken all morning dipping in and out.  May I offer a cuppa and a kitkat as compensation?  I might try and add pics soon just to take the pain away.

PS: The FW was NEVER around for breakfast when they were small (too full from previous night's beer and takeaway) and used to complain at dinnertimes that they behaved badly.  I knew from eating with other families that my children were well behaved but because they weren't 1950's rigid like his family he did not like this and didn't want to eat with them in the evening.  He wanted me to feed them at 4, put them to bed at 6 and then give all my attention to him before he went to the pub.  He also never 'did' the whole bedtime routine either, even though his mum was a kind, caring, proper bedtime cuddles type mum. 

NOTE: I have just realised some of my anger is that he was 'disassociated' with the children when small and needed care, but now they are adults (one nearly) he wants their company and likes to show off his 'trophy' daughter, (you know the third child he didn't want!).  It hurts because I know the truth and cannot tell them and although I know it is a good thing that they have a good relationship with their father I am sure he will let them down at some point.

Also how do I tell middle, honest-to-the-point-of-bluntness, son not to let his father know how much he earns ?

Thursday, 15 November 2012


The A came back, look!!
But not before it locked me out of my online banking......FFS!

I have no clue what happened, there is no dirt on my laptop and I haven't spilled anything.

Maybe it was the 'evil pixie' that sits on my shoulder (my BF has the 'shit fairy' so I am not a wierdo, just so's you know).

Today I will phone the BF to see how she got on yesterday, with only a slight touch of guilt, had she reminded me I would have gone with her, but the last we spoke of this appointment in a vague fashion was 2/3 weeks ago.

Also the dreaded Asda shop, on a Thursday too, what a fool I am!

See ya later

PS why does the red banner keep coming up saying "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again. Ignore warning''. It disappears when I press the save button.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

'Ere guess wot...

Y'know yesterd@y when I s@id I w@sn't going to put petrol in the c@r?  Well I only bloody h@d to didn't I!  This is wh@t h@ppened - on finding out I was going into town he g@ve me his credit c@rd @nd number @nd s@id to put £30 in @s he w@s going to see FiL @nd go get supplies for his new venture (m@king model r@ilw@y trees, doing quite well too) but guess wh@t the bloody number w@s wrong and there w@s  @ huge queue @nd the petrol h@d been pumped, so it went on my c@rd grrrrrr.  Yesterd@y he put £30 in v@n cos he c@n drive th@t when the c@r is empty,  I c@n't, its sh@nks's pony for me. Bumholes.

Oh tomorrow I will be going round old friends for get together, c@ke etc but I won't be going to the Horder Centre Crowborough with BF for her consult@nts @ppointment, cr@psie, I forgot @nd she didn't remind me either hmmm.  I usu@lly go to these to cheer her up @nd keep her going. We used to l@ugh like two old cr@zee l@ydees

ps c@n you guess which letter isn't working too well on l*ptop, I feel like @ Ronnie B*rker sketch!! *grin*

NB Ronnie B@rker of The Two Ronnies comedy show, he used to do sketches using wordpl@y ie "four c@ndles", look it up, it's re@lly funny!

Night x

Monday, 12 November 2012

Well, today I..

...did some cleaning, using Mrs Thrifty's recipe for home made sprays, and they worked a treat

...finished daughter's fingerless gloves (adding a ladybird button) after several frogging sessions.  It was a shit pattern but I got there in the end.  Now finishing another pair for daughter's friend.  Then must do some more X*** stuff.

...faffed around

...didn't phone BF though I thought about it

So a not quite unproductive day.

Tomorrow's plan is
1) to walk in to town (long walk there up and down hills) to get hair cut, buy bugs for son's lizardy thing, library etc
2) not put petrol in car* 
3) not go and visit FiL
4) do online asda shop for the heavy stuff.

*I only use car to go to supermarket, and occasionally collect daughter from friend's house and, because I do not have any spare cash to put petrol in it. As The FW goes up pub every night which is in next-but-one village, he can put petrol in the damn thing, it's always bloody empty!

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Nothing to report here...

Just everyday stuff, pretty boring, occasionally teeth gnashing, minor sobbing, no progress on the tidying up, lots of thinking, but no achievements in any way. Over and out.

Back later when the urge to hit the keyboard occurs.

Love ya

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

College Open Day

Oh my am I overwhelmed.  Yesterday dear daughter told us it was college open day and that she was going there with her friend and his parents.....ermm no actually it is OUR job to take you.  She was not happy and I wondered what she was saying to others about us.  I know we aren't a jolly house but we are quiet and we don't row at all, I know that she is super-sensitive to the atmosphere and I can't say anything to her about The FW like I can the boys.

Anyhoo, to college we went and because my eldest son teaches there his colleagues and department head were very pleased to see us and to get to know her, and were impressed with her work ethic and interest in the two courses she needs to make up her mind about (both closely connected and therefore easily changeable if necessary).  It is ironic that she may end being taught by her brother, something that amazed the department head.

The feeling that my son is so admired by his colleague and boss to the point that they made a course to keep him because he was (at the time) the only one able to take the course, is overwhelming and that he was, due to circumstances and his talents,  teaching year 1 students when he was in year 2 and later whilst he was doing his BSc at the uni he was teaching a 'difficult year group' at the college and had them eating out of his hand made me so proud.

These last few months of daughter's schooling will fly by with agonising slowness, we have been 'in education' for 21 years without a break and the changes we have seen have been huge (politics and education should not mix!).   My daughter's homework and revision schedule and the constant exam taking (she started the English Baccalaureate last year) is mind boggling, she excels in the subjects she hates and has had to give up the subjects she loves! On Friday she is taking an English mock exam even though she got an A in the real exam she took a few weeks ago WTF! So I want to make extra certain that she is happy in college.  I know she can't wait and loves the little city the college is in.

Middle son is enjoying his job too, I think it is a little more challenging than he thought.  But to be paid for being a good, kind, empathetic, caring person also overwhelms me.

Even though I feel like a pile o' crap I think I did good with my kids, that's all I need to know right now.

Gonna watch Dallas now, need to rest my brain!

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Look what i did!!!

Isn't it pretty, I know this is so, like, whateverrr to you clever peeps who do this all the time, but, I did this all by myself.  It's a rose in our garden, my daughter took this pic I think.

I may take a photo of something more appropriate to my blog name at some point, but for the moment I like this. Big grin.

My eyes are like dried up balls of snot (nice) after peering at the many photos in my albums, so I am off the land of Winken, Blinken and Nod. (showing my age again).

Monday, 5 November 2012

It's all about the timing.....

Do you get that thing where you want to listen to a little bit of news or an item on the radio, you know, 2 maybe 3 minutes in a whole show........and you listen to the WHOLE show whilst being busy doing your thang and at the exact moment the article comes on..... the phone rings, the doorbell goes (or the child needs a potty, even all those years ago this has been happening) or The FW decides to come in and talk and then pisses off again just as the item finishes.


Or am I just being paranoid.


Thursday, 1 November 2012

After stomping for a bit I decided to 'publish'

I think there are some people who click on 'Next Blog', skim read then comment on a small part of it.

To clarify -

I worked for 20 years with no pay in The FW's business, whilst caring for children and elderly parents in the years I couldn't drive.  Exhaustion wasn't the word. 
Then when he decided to Limit the business he had to pay me and boy did he hate it, I had to remind him every single month it was payday, sometimes he paid himself twice!!.  My mistake was to save my salary, (after I had paid off the debts I had accrued during the previous dry spell, see below), because that is what we lived on in 2010/11 when we had no income. 

When he said the immortal words again last year "there's no money for food" - this is whilst driving around in a Jaguar XKR pissing it up the wall every freakin' night - my heart dropped again - the first time was when I had to give up being a foster carer in 2002 due to the negative impact it had on my (then) little girl.  He 'punished' me by telling me there was no money for food then, so I stupidly bought it on my credit card 'cos I had children to feed, until I got my cleaning job, and then magically he 'gave' me a few quid towards the food bill.  So I had a cleaning job, working with no pay in the business, child care (which included hospital stuff) until we went limited company 2006 and I gave up the cleaning.

After the terrible years of '06 and '07 when I found out he was cheating on me whilst my daughter had a major heart operation (in '08 I realised he had cheated pretty much from when I fell pregnant with first child in '85 and all throughout the losses of both my parents).  I decided to stay because my child was post-operative and traumatised and also we had a business and workmen that relied on us for their living.  After all that I decided to have some me time - it was great for about 18 months, gym, shopping, lunching....then the shit hit the fan, and still I am staying because I have no parents to go home to, no money 'cos he had all that and no job because there aren't any and I am unskilled and mentally and emotionally knackered.

The man I have is a fuckwit, who thinks I should never leave the kitchen, but I put my kids first (and his elderly and failing parents too because I love them and it would break their hearts), I am at the bottom of the pile, which is ok sometimes because my kids love me and my friends too.

PS Learn where to put the appostrophe!

Movin' on..............

tee hee

Had my first 'nasty' comment today, am deciding whether to publish it, can of worms, or fuck you moment, which is it to be.  Dearest R how sweet you are, you have no idea do you. The man is NOT providing for me actually love and has never given me a fuckin bean except for his own comfort.  Whenever I inherited or saved money he made sure he got his hands on it and is now after eldest son's money!!!!!! I have no skills worth being paid for and there are no pissin jobs in this damn town anyway.   After nearly 30 years of hard physical slog The FW has knackered his back. You obviously have no clue about depression either do you.  It's not about being 'happy', it's about not being 'unhappy'.  Anyway it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to.

Normal service warts 'n' all will be resumed after I stomp up and down a bit.

PS If anyone gives a shit the arm doesn't hurt this morning so I was being a tit after all.

PPS  shall I add the dear reader's comment, I know other blog writers don't and then write an 'answer' and I am always curious to know what was said.

I really should make the Practise Nurse appointment

I have pain in my right eye (I have had 'red eye' in the past), I have had this for about a week, it throbs a bit but I can stop that with ibuprofen, the eyelid also 'flutters' quite a bit.  Tonight my left arm hurts.

Perhaps I am just being a tit, I am not eating very much but making bad choices, taking little or no exercise and am very very stressed.  I am also 50, short and 2 stone overweight, bugger!  I need to eat more porridge and less crisps. *sigh*.

I tend not to concern myself with being ill, I rarely get colds, have had the mildest of thyroid problems - now in remission, and my menopause symptoms have been mostly emotional.

Three years ago I ate well and went to the gym or exercise class 3 or 4 times a week... what changed?  The FW's regular work disappeared when the chancellor took money away from the local hospital for projects work and our work stopped literally overnight (31March 2009).  The intermittent work since then has been for private hospitals but that was only bank holidays/easter etc.  We have now closed our business after 27 years.  He has enforced early retirement without the benefits.  Plus the fact he is a financial moron puts us in difficulties that he does not see, or has stupid ideas like going to his exercise class (laugh) opposite the local post office, coming home then driving several miles away to a village post office to post the ebay parcels.  There is no petrol in the car so if there is an emergency with his parents we will have to go in the van - wtf.  He wants to sell the van (he owes eldest son £2k which he promises to repay) and get a little workhorse one.

He is paying the interest on both mortgages because he didn't understand about form MI12 (mortgage help) and we have been waiting/wasting 4 months where he thought he had filled it in just because he has filled in several similar forms and doesn't get that when you are on benefits it all about filling in the same info on different forms.  I am  being passive/aggressive and not getting involved in all that stuff, just letting it happen though it will be my turn soon.  Whenever I try to explain anything, or give him information he doesn't listen or deliberately misunderstands because he cannot stand that I know more than he does and also cannot stand to be 'told' what to do.  He has a problem with women and authority.  He also blames the banks etc for his mistakes and misunderstandings.

The fact that my sons are making a bigger contribution to the household finances relieves me and guilts me at the same time, I am torn and want it all to stop now please, I am tired, this house is too big for me to take care of, we have leaks in many cupboards so the contents are scattered about driving me absofuckinlutely batshit crazy.  Every time I try to make bread or deal with laundry there is someone in my way (usually him the fuckwit!) making suggestions like do you need me to get veg from the farm shop (no you dumbass it is dearer than the supermarket ffs) then gets cross because he "is only trying to help".

Oh yeah he wants to celebrate son getting job (and son's girlfriend's birthday on Monday) by going out for a meal or to the pics, he'll pay on his credit card and get eldest son to contribute!!!!!!!!!!!!  Errr no actually, they would rather stay in and have a takeaway and bottle of wine as a treat, early doors as they both have work the next day.  He won't be pleased when he finds out they would rather stay home.  I am letting them deal with that, which is pissy of me but I would rather shut the fuck up and get on with the ironing thanks.  I find by not wearing my glasses so I can't see that well, avoiding eye contact and pretending I can't hear him above the washing machine helps quite a bit lol.

I have a dream of building a block of small one bedroom flats for all the women I know who have said they want to 'get away' from it all for a while.  To not have to feed, wash, pick up after or think about anyone else, to have a break from all the shite in their lives.  I know of three women, not including me; anyone else want a secret respite home?

Night night